By Linda Sapadin, Ph.D.
It's 9 p.m. They begin to quarrel. It starts out as nothing big. She gets upset with him because she feels he's pulling away. Perhaps he's made a thoughtless remark, forgotten to do something, or walked right by her without making eye contact.
She wants to "talk about it." He says, "there's nothing to talk about." She disagrees. He's adamant. "Not now. I'm too tired to talk about anything now." She prods him. "So, when can we talk?" He replies, "Stop hounding me." She'd had it with him. She storms out of the room, yelling "You're never interested in talking about anything!" He angrily flips on the TV.
It's 10 p.m. She's been stewing for an hour. Storming into the den, she snaps, "What the hell are you doing?" He snarls back, "What are you so upset about?" She screams, "You don't give a damn about me, do you?" He shouts, "Look at you! You're out of control!" He turns his back on her and clams up.
She counts to ten but just can't let her anger go. "You never want to talk to me. All you care about is being by yourself and doing whatever you damn well please! Maybe that's exactly where you should be-- by yourself. What is this relationship about anyway? You don't listen. You don't talk to me. You're as bad as your brother and you know what he's like."
"Damn you! You're so self-centered. If I don't hang on to your every word, I'm accused of not listening. You think everything you have to say is so important! You're full of yourself. You remind me of your mother. You sound just like her!"
This fight moved from a spat to a knockdown drag out fight when the couple employed two deadly blaming techniques...
1.
The "piling on" strategy. You accuse your partner of being guilty of a relationship felony (i.e. you don't care about me). This felony seems apparent to you because clearly he/she is guilty of several relationship misdemeanors. (i.e. you don't want to talk about it, you don't listen, you're out of control, you're hounding me). The original quarrel reaches catastrophic proportions as partners pile on infraction after infraction.
2.
The "slippery slope" strategy. You make the mistake of sliding your partner down the slippery slope from good to evil because
"everyone knows" that if you don't pay attention, you're not listening. If you're not listening, you don't care. If you don't care, you're selfish. If you're selfish, you're awful-- just like the rest of your miserable family.
These blaming techniques exaggerate people's differences, reduce trust and destroy empathy.
Oftentimes couples find themselves fighting unfairly with each other. Blaming, bitterness, anger take over, even though they desperately don't want that to happen. This is the point where couples must stop and realize that they have a choice about which direction to go. They can separate-- either physically or emotionally. They can suffer and endure. Or they can make an honest attempt to learn better ways to quarrel as well as more generous ways to interpret their differences and respond to hurt.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in
individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
