By: Linda Sapadin
Therefore, you'd think that the more parenting books moms have read, the more courses they've taken, the more magazines they've perused, the smarter and easier their lives would be. Yet, it often doesn't work out that way, particularly when moms have a truckload of education but only an iota of common sense. Here's why advanced education does not always make a better parent. Education is not the same as knowledge. Knowledge is not the same as wisdom. And wisdom has many components to it - good judgment, common sense, street smarts, horse sense, insight, hindsight, foresight, experience, perspective, kindness, courage, flexibility, creativity and a sense of humor. These are the traits that excellent parents of earlier generations had in abundance. Though they may never have read a book on how to raise a child, they relied on other aspects of wisdom to show them the way.I do not mean to knock education or knowledge, particularly in the field of child-rearing. However, if the more you read about parenting, the more stressed you feel, it's time to put away the books and relax. Use your good judgment, use your common sense, be flexible, be creative, be kind and always maintain a sense of humor. Here are a few guidelines that have more to do with good judgment and common sense than the latest child-rearing philosophy of the day.1. Being too child-centered is not a virtue. If meeting your kids' needs is running you ragged, then use good judgment and readjust your priorities. Do not forget your own needs as well as the needs of your spouse. 2. You are not doing your child a favor by working overtime as their activities' coordinator. If your kids' life is overscheduled, give them (and yourself) the gift of doing nothing. If they nag, whine, and carry on, you can be flexible but don't give up on this goal altogether. Children need to learn to entertain themselves. If they have little experience with this, it may take a while for them to settle down. Give it time.3. The experts say consistency is important. Yes, to a degree it is. But, please use common sense in this arena. Don't pretend that you and your spouse view things the same way. Your kids know you don't. Admit that mom and dad differ in some aspects of child-rearing and make that okay. Do not define one parent (you, of course) as the good guy and the other parent (your spouse, of course) as the ignorant one. Not only does your spouse's style have something to teach your child, it also has something to teach you.4. You are the boss. It's okay if you are an easy-going boss or a lenient boss. Just don't renege on your leadership role. Upside down families are families where the kids are in charge and the parents do as the kids say. This is a recipe for disaster both now and in later years. Don't let it happen, or if it's already happened, use your creativity and good judgment to assert your leadership role until the structure of your family is right side up. 5. Notice and appreciate what your kid does well. Don't go overboard making him into kid genius, but do acknowledge his good stuff. Now, about the disappointing stuff. If you dreamed of your kid being an athlete and he's kid klutz, use your common sense and resiliency to accept this. Do not try to make him into the kid you wanted him to be. Can you work with him to improve his coordination? Sure, but only up to a point. Don't hassle him to be what he's not. Don't sacrifice family harmony and your kids' self-esteem to an elusive goal. Education has often led us to believe that we can control things that, in essence, we can't control. Sure, what we do influences and impacts our children. But child-rearing is not and never will be an exact science. It is more an art. And, like all art, answers are not found in guide books or texts. Art is revealed when we use what is within.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2003
