By: Linda Sapadin
You can read all the child-rearing books there are (and they will definitely help you), but they will not provide a sure-fire solution for every problem. The reason for this is that raising children is more an art than a science. Art, in contrast to science, relies a great deal on creativity, intuition, gut reaction, empathy, spontaneity and a sense of humor for its answers. This does not mean that you should not educate yourself about good child-rearing principles and put them into practice. It does mean, however, that if you have done that and are still at an impasse, it would be wise for you to try something else rather than more of the same. And this is where your artistry will come in.Let's say you want to teach your pre-schooler about why he shouldn't lie. You have explained to him the problems that arise from dishonesty. You have lectured him on the virtues of honesty. You have punished him for lying and yet nothing seems to work. Your kid still lies. What to do? There are many options, but one thing is clear. One more lecture, one more explanation, one more punishment will accomplish nothing. Instead, this is where you need to let your creative side shine. Here's one example of how you might do that. First of all, know that all kids love to lie. It gives them power. It makes them feel important. It sparks their creativity. If they get away with it, it prevents them from getting into trouble. From a kids' point of view, lying makes a good deal of sense. Even from an adult point of view, it can be seen in a positive light. The philosopher Eric Hoffer thinks of lying as "a form of creativity; talking the truth is being only a reporter."Next, with an easy-going, positive attitude, buy your child a well illustrated copy of the Adventures of Pinocchio. Not as a punishment, but as a gift. Read it with your child - not to lecture him, but with empathy for poor Pinocchio - a little wooden boy, who tries so hard to be good, but whose excitement, enthusiasm and innocence keeps getting him into trouble. Pinocchio, like your child, must experience much suffering, loneliness, fear and confusion before he gets the message that he has to live in a certain way if he's going to become a "real boy." As you read the book, discuss Pinocchio's dilemmas and choices. Do not, however, hit your kid over the head with a moralistic message about the evils of lying. Every kid gets the point of this story. You do not have to rub it in. You simply have to give your child time to go through his struggle as he moves from egocentricity to acceptable social behavior.This is just one creative idea about how to handle a child-rearing problem in a more artistic manner. When you use your intuition, your sense of humor, your rapport with your child before you resort to punishment and anger, everyone benefits.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2003
