By:Linda Sapadin
Sudden, unanticipated events can shake our world. Everything seems to be going along just fine and then -- the shock.
For Ed, it was his wife's death. A sudden and quick heart attack. Only 54 years old. "One day she was here and the next day she wasn't. You here about this happening to men, not women. You'd never suspect her of having a heart attack. She was just the opposite of a type A personality -- calm, easy-going, gentle. Surely those traits should count for something. It wasn't supposed to happen this way," said Ed, still shaken months after his wife's sudden demise.
For Marla, it was her husband telling her, "I want out!" "I was just stunned," she said. "What do you mean you want out? I couldn't believe that after 14 years of marriage and two kids, he was just blurting out that he wanted a divorce. It took my breath away. I'm still having trouble absorbing the news and its implications. If he wasn't happy with me, why didn't he let me know. I could have changed. How could someone who was my best friend be nothing to me now?"
For Bill, it was receiving a notice that he was being investigated by the IRS. "The sense of unreality was ironic. I wondered how this could be occurring to me -- somebody who had a well deserved reputation for honesty and fairness. Surely there had to be some sort of mistake. They were after the wrong person. They must have mixed things up. Anything was possible. Except what was actually happening! It's five years later and I'm still recovering from the ordeal."
Shock, bewilderment and disbelief are typical reactions for people who are thrown into a sudden and serious crisis. Because there is no warning, the impact of the event can be staggering. The initial reaction is often denial and disbelief. It just doesn't seem possible that this is happening. Overwhelmed, people often accept the reality intellectually, way before they accept it emotionally.
Emotional acceptance takes time. It doesn't take place all at once and it doesn't take place with any regularity. One day you may feel pretty good. The next day you may feel shaken and dazed. Or angry and resentful. Or depressed and disheartened. Or alone and lonely. Or guilty and confused. Or just plain miserable.
You may want to speak with friends about what happened. Or you may want to hide from friends and just hibernate. You may feel some shame about your situation, not wanting anybody to know or, God forbid, to pity you. And if your friends do know, you may be wary that they are getting tired of your being so distressed all the time
As you are going through your crisis, it's important to remember that you have the right to feel whatever it is that you feel. You also have the right to take whatever time that you need to deal with it. And try to keep in mind that as arduous as this crisis may be, you will, undoubtedly, learn a great deal about yourself that you will eventually feel proud of.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
