The unintended consequence of this type of upbringing, (which on the surface seems like a wonderful way to build self-confidence and self-esteem), is that kids actually believe that they are special and superior to others - including their parents.
Hearing that you are special, without recognition that that means you are special to me, or hearing that you are smart and therefore entitled, can have several adverse consequences, in particular, an unearned belief of entitlement and superiority. ³I¹m special just because I¹m me.² ³I deserve just because I want.² ³I¹m entitled to the best just because I say so.² ³My wants are the same as my needs². ³My needs must take precedence over everybody else¹s.²
Unfortunately, this kind of thinking develops people who believe that they are a legend in their own minds. That¹s not a good thing for the young person, or that person¹s parents.
So, if you are living with a kid who believes that she/he is ³special², and therefore, unaccountable to the rules and regulations that others abide by, here¹s what you must do:
First - and most importantly - when your child is upset or frustrated, you must not allow him or her to bully you, curse at you, call you nasty names or otherwise treat you disrespectfully.
If this occurs, you must change the course of the conversation, making the manner in which you are spoken to the new discussion. If that evokes freedom of speech issues (³I can say what I want; it¹s a free country²), don¹t take the bait. State in a strong voice that you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect. Having stated your position, you do not have to go into a tirade or a full-blown lecture. This is one of those times when less is more.
Respect, however, is a two-way street. A child models what she hears. Thus, you will have no leg to stand on if you curse but expect your child to abide by different rules. Indeed, if you think it¹s okay for you to be disrespectful to your child, but not okay the other way around, you are actually pushing the idea that you are special, and therefore not accountable for your behavior. In attempting to explain or excuse your actions, you may minimize your own lack of control, focusing instead on your kid¹s provocative behavior. We all must be accountable for the way we treat each other.
Secondly, you must begin to undo this ³special syndrome² by complimenting your kid for his or her actions and effort, not just praising your child how special or smart. Specific feedback such as, ³I admire the way you handled that,² or ³I could see you put a lot of effort into that project,² is best. If your child already thinks she¹s special, you don¹t want to gush approval, reinforcing her belief about how wonderful she is. But you also don¹t want to refrain from offering compliments, even though the relationship may be strained.
Third, let your children experience the natural consequences of their actions. If your daughter thinks she¹s special, she may feel that she doesn¹t need to pick up her dirty clothes from the floor; somebody else will surely do that. Instead, make it a rule that if clothes don¹t go in the hamper, there are no clean clothes. If your son frequently expects you to bail him out of trouble by covering for him or by doing much of his homework, change your pattern. Let him get into trouble at school. Yes, you may need to suffer through a tantrum or two in which you hear about how unfair you are, but stick to your guns. Short-term appeasement is the precursor of long-term regrets.
Want to find additional ways to deal with kids who think that they are special? Call Hewlett-Woodmere Education Center at 374-8163. Register for my course on ³How to Deal with the Entitled Child² on Tuesday, March 20, from noon to 2 p.m.
Hope to see you there.
Copyright © 2007
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice, specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of 4 self-help books. The most recent one is: Now I Get It! Totally Sensational Advice for Living and Loving. To order an autographed book, visit her website at www.PsychWisdom.com
