The Super Bowl represents the end of the ³affair² and a return to the relationship. For some, this is what happens. For others, there is simply no break. If it¹s not football, it¹s soccer, golf, baseball, basketball, tennis or the Internet.
What¹s a woman to do? Is she making too big a deal about this type of affair? After all, it¹s not another woman he¹s involved with. True. Yet such an intense emotional involvement can still tear away at her self-esteem and sense of importance, leaving in its wake resentment, rage and betrayal. As time goes on, a woman can feel increasingly distant from her man, wondering if the relationship is worth the pain.
If you find yourself stuck in this type of eternal triangle, here¹s what you must do to change it. Do I hear you saying, ³Me? Why me? He¹s the one who is causing the problem.² True enough. But you¹re the one who¹s experiencing the pain. He¹s fine with things as they are except, of course, for your complaining. So, initiating change is in your best interests.
Here are five ideas that just might make things better for you:
1. Begin by keeping your expectations realistic. I know it would be great if you told your husband how alienated you¹ve been feeling and he responded, ³You¹re right. I¹ve been behaving badly. I¹ve truly neglected you. You¹re a great wife and I owe you a huge apology. I will stop watching sports right now to make up for all the time I overdid it.² Unfortunately, in the history of mankind, this kind of response has never occurred. So let¹s move on to plan B, shall we?
2. Move from a victim mentality to a can-do mentality. Shift your focus away from what your partner is doing. Instead, empower yourself by focusing on what brings you pleasure. Give yourself the freedom to do what you want, rather than waiting around for him to pay attention to you. Decide how you will spend the day when he is glued to the TV. Get tickets to a show you¹ve been wanting to see. Develop an interest of your own that keeps you smiling. Create a Super Bowl party for women in the same boat. They¹ll thank you for it and you¹ll have a good time to boot.
3. Move from hopelessness to hopefulness. Sure there will be times you think, ³I¹m so miserable; things will never change² or ³I¹ve tried everything and he just won¹t budge.² But alter those depressing thoughts. Make your thoughts more hopeful, yet realistic, such as ³No more stifling my feelings; I¹m going to be direct and tell him how his Œaffair¹ is affecting me.² Or, ³Even if there¹s nothing I can do to change him, I know what I can do to make myself feel better.²
4. Do not overreact or underreact to what you are feeling. Overreact and you will be seen (and see yourself) as a crazy, hysterical lady who is out of control. Underreact (for fear of looking bad or flying out of control) and you stifle your feelings, setting the stage for a volatile response on another day. Instead, find a middle ground for stating your feelings, your wants and your needs.
5. Learn alternative ways of communicating with him. Rather than always being upset with him, strive for a serious, calm and solution-oriented conversation. Search for compromises that will be acceptable to both of you. Don¹t demand compromises that he will resent and eventually break.
Patterns that have existed for awhile do not change overnight, so don¹t get discouraged. Give the suggestions I¹ve just made a serious try. If nothing seems to be changing, however, seek out help. And no matter what is happening, be sure you are taking care of yourself and being your own best friend.
Copyright 2007
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice, who specializes in helping people enrich their relationships, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of 4 self-help books. The most recent one is: Now I Get It! Totally Sensational Advice for Living and Loving. For more information or to purchase an autographed book, visit her Web site at www.PsychWisdom.com
