By: Linda Sapadin
It was from Nina, an old friend whom she hadn't been in touch with for many years. Her friend wrote, "Just want to let you know how often I think of you. Also, to express how grateful I am that you encouraged me to go back to school. I still remember the day you said, 'You can do anything you put your mind to.' Today, I am celebrating my 5th year as an elementary school teacher. I love my job and I love making a difference in kids' lives. You were the catalyst that set me on the right track." Though Kim treasured Nina's words, she was surprised that she had been so influential in her life. She had not even remembered the conversation that Nina was referring to. Still, she knew from her own experience, that it wasn't so unusual for a friend to make a casual comment that turned out to be very significant for the other person. Now, here's the bad news. Amy was seething. It was the second anniversary of her mother's death. So far, the day had passed without her husband, Rick, saying anything to her about it. The evening was almost over when Amy exploded. "You know how important my mother was - to both of us. How could you ignore the anniversary of her death? What is the matter with you that you don't ever talk about her any more?" Rick felt ambushed by Amy's attack. He had not forgotten the day; indeed, he had been thinking about his mother-in-law a lot that day. She had been a great lady and he missed her. He was quiet for a moment. Then, he said, "You told me you didn't want to talk about her. You told me it was too painful to even go there.""I told you that?""Yes, you did." "When?" "Several weeks after she died. You said that you were hurting too much. That you had to stop talking about her and that you had to get on with your life.""I don't remember saying that. If I did, it must have been an especially bad day for me. Or maybe I did need to stop talking about her for a day. But, I didn't mean forever! How could you think I meant forever?"I'm sorry, Amy. I don't know what I thought. But I do remember the sadness in your face when you said it and I didn't want to make you feel sad again. I also thought that if you wanted to talk about her, you would initiate the conversation."Now it was Amy's turn to explain. "Sometimes I say things. I mean them at the time but then my feelings change. Maybe there was a time when I needed to stop talking about her. But I didn't mean that we should never talk about her. Check it out with me, if you're not sure about how I feel or what I want to do.""I'm sorry.""I'm sorry too. If I wanted to say something, I should have just done it and not waited for you to initiate the conversation." Sometimes, the words that have been etched in our brains are precisely those words we need to let go of. If you are giving a lot of significance to something someone has said, don't hesitate to inquire if the person still feels that way today.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003
