By Linda Sapadin, Ph. D.
A paradox is an assertion that seems to be contradictory to common sense, yet, surprisingly, it's often true. Here are a few examples:
- You may be more tired at the end of a day in which
you've done "nothing," than at the end of a day when you've been really busy.
- The more aware and educated you become, the more ignorant you may feel.
- The more you try to control someone, the more out-of-control you may feel-and actually become.
Understanding the power of paradox is particularly useful when you feel stuck and don't know what else to do, especially in situations that are emotional or somatic (relating to the body).
Here's an illustration of an emotional situation:
Mary had suffered three panic attacks recently. Each time, she felt terribly embarrassed and had to abruptly excuse herself and go home. The next day, she would make up a story about feeling sick to her stomach. She was worried that if her colleagues knew about her high anxiety level, they wouldn't understand, for outwardly she appeared to be a very confident person.
Now, Mary's anxiety was becoming worse. The more she worried about having another panic attack, the more fearful she became. It was then that I suggested to Mary that the next time she was out with colleagues, she should deliberately try to have an anxiety attack. Her reaction was intense! "What do you mean? That's nuts! I dread having an anxiety attack and you want me to make myself have one!"
"Yup", I responded. "Just pre-plan your anxiety attack and see what happens!"
As you might imagine, Mary was pleasantly surprised. When she stopped trying so hard to avoid having the problem, and instead, let go of control and allowed it to happen, she began to feel a lot more confident.
Now here's an illustration of a somatic situation:
Mike had developed a bad case of insomnia. He was at a point where he dreaded going to sleep. The harder he tried to sleep, the more it alluded him. He had become addicted to sleeping pills, but now even they didn't help. What could he do to get a decent night's sleep, he wondered.
I told Mike that if he spent more than 15 minutes in bed attempting to go to sleep, he shouldn't try any longer. Instead, his mission should be to deliberately try to stay awake. "Get out of bed. Get involved in doing a task, or watching TV or reading a book. Forget about sleep." Mike discovered that as he gave up trying to "make himself sleepy," the more sleepy he eventually became. As he relaxed and got involved in something else, the natural processes of his body eventually took over and changed how he felt.
If you continue to struggle with a problem that you can't fix, it may be time for you to use a paradoxical approach. Stop trying to make things better. See if you can reverse direction and go with the problem instead of against it.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2000.
