By Mary Malloy
Editor's note: The following is the first installment in an ongoing Herald series about growing older in Nassau County. In the coming months, the series will take an in-depth look at the challenges and joys of life after age 60.
Randi Scharff has a 12-inch-high pile of unopened books beside her bed. The top selection is entitled "The 60-second EMT." Ironically, she said, she doesn't have a free minute to read it. "By the time my head hits the pillow at night," Scharff said, "it's lights out for me."
Along with her twice-weekly 12-hour shifts as a paramedic-level emergency medical technician in the Bronx, Scharff, 45, cares for her husband, Jared, who is home on disability with a back injury he sustained on the job as a paramedic in Brooklyn. She also sees to the needs of daughters Erin, 18, Debby, 16, and Meagan, almost 3. The family lives with Scharff's mother, Hattie, who just turned 86, in the North Woodmere house where Scharff's parents raised her, her brother and sister. "Mom has been in this house for 45 years, and she has helped me a lot through the years," Scharff said. "My dad died 13 years ago. Now it's my turn to help her."
Hattie is legally blind and suffers from wet macular degeneration, a disease that causes abnormal blood vessels to develop beneath the retina of the eye, resulting in profound loss of central vision. "It came on all of a sudden two years ago," said Scharff. "She woke up with blurred vision in one eye, and soon lost most vision in that eye." If there is macular degeneration in one eye, the other eye is at a high risk of developing it as well. "She also has some hearing impairment," Scharff said of her mother, "and it's frustrating for her and everyone else. Sometimes it's like walking on eggshells around here."
Hattie calls her youngest granddaughter, Meagan, her little playmate. "They play cards together," said Scharff. "But Mom doesn't understand why I need to supervise them together. She remembers caring for Erin and Debby when they were younger, but it's different now." Scharff said her mother was angry and resentful that she would not let her be alone with Meagan. "The truth is, I need to keep an eye on both my mom and my toddler," she said.
There is no typical day in Scharff's household. "We never know what's coming around the corner," she said. "A typical day usually consists of me rearranging what we already had planned for whatever else inevitably pops up. The one constant is that Mom gets to the beauty parlor every week."
Scharff is a member of the growing Sandwich Generation - those who are primary caretakers of their own children as well as their parents and, at times, grandparents. As the average life span continues to increase in the U.S., the number of people who become caregivers for an older parent or relative also rises. These adult children are dealing with the demands of their careers and households while taking care of the needs of their own children and those of their aging parents. Health issues are often involved.
Scharff's private practice as a social worker/psychotherapist in Lynbrook gives her the opportunity to help others who face the same challenges she does. "Being in the situation myself definitely helps me help my clients," she said. "I don't share my own problems with them, but knowing what they're going through increases my degree of empathy and understanding for them."
Scharff said it is important to prioritize, and not to get caught up in the little issues. "Learn to recognize what can wait and what can't, and don't be afraid to ask for help," she said. "There are more resources out there than you realize."
About her living arrangement, she said, "I wouldn't want it any other way. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard. You don't get hours of downtime to figure out solutions to problems. We don't have dinner together as often as I would like, and I miss the balance in our lives. Our mother-and-daughter relationship has been redefined."
Hands-on experience
Sandy Hunt, 50, has experience working with the elderly: In May she joined the staff of Atria Lynbrook, an assisted living community, as the community sales director. Her interaction with residents and their families there shows the compassion of someone who not only has a background in geriatrics, but also has been through the decision-making and financial burden of caring for an elderly parent.
Hunt's father died in 1980 after a battle with lung cancer. Her parents had planned to move to Florida, but those plans were sidelined when he became ill. That was when Hunt's mother, Jo Guarcello, a proud woman who's now 86, came to live in Hunt's Rockville Centre home.
"I was born in a small town in Sicily on Nov. 9, 1920," said Guarcello. When she was 9, she explained, she came to America with her mother and her brother, and was later matched up with her future husband. "I was 20, and Jack was 28. Our parents got us together. I never even dated before. He was Italian, too." They were married 39 years, until his death.
Sandy was eight months pregnant with her son Christopher when her mother moved in. Fortunately, the high-ranch-style house could accommodate her growing family. "There's a lot of privacy, and Mom has her own living space," Hunt said. "She cherishes her privacy, and I like that I can look in on her when I want to."
Seeing her mother on a daily basis helped recently, when Guarcello became ill. "She just wasn't acting like herself, and we noticed the changes right away," Hunt recalled. She took her mother to the doctor, and after a battery of tests and a bad scare, she was sent home. "This is the best arrangement for us," Hunt said. "Having her here, I was a very attuned to her signs of aging."
Hunt is the youngest of four children. Her sister lives in California, one brother is in Florida and another lives in Commack. They are all married and have children of their own.
"When a parent suddenly moves in and things get decided during a crisis, people don't tend to be proactive about these kinds of things," said Wendy Weinstock, social work supervisor at the Sandel Senior Center in Rockville Centre. "It's not necessarily the one who's most equipped financially or emotionally; it's who has a bigger bathroom or a bedroom on the ground floor. The reality is that many of the resources they need really don't exist."
Hunt's son, Christopher, 26, who lives in Connecticut, visits at least once a month. Her daughter, Jaclyn, 16, will be a junior at Rockville Centre High School. "I love her cooking; it's Italian and so good," said Jaclyn, referring to her grandmother's constant sauce-making. "She's the only one who will watch the school channel with me." In between the teenager's school and work schedules, the two can often be found sitting side by side, eating something Guarcello has prepared and watching recent school productions of "Hello Dolly" and "Me and My Girl."
"If you have a family situation where there would be a chance for the younger and older generations to come together, it could be an opportunity to teach the kids about the challenges and the joys of growing old," said Weinstock.
Hunt said that her mother still wants to feel needed and involved. "She does the laundry and helps with things around the house - and she also dotes on the family cats, Pippin and Petunia, and feeds them scraps from the table," said Hunt. The women grow basil, tomatoes, celery and zucchini - which Guarcello uses in her cooking - in the backyard, with seeds they brought back from a recent family trip to Italy.
"It's important to take care of yourself," Hunt said. "It's a lot of juggling, with working full time and balancing everyone's schedule." She said she and her husband, Nick, make a date night when they can have time to themselves. "He lost his mother, and he likes having a mother figure around," Hunt said. "I like that she's just a holler away."
The Sandwich Club
There is no typical scenario among the ranks of the Sandwich Generation. Some live in the same house as their children and aging parents. Others are the primary caregiver while their parents are in assisted-living facilities or nursing homes. Their children may be in college, adding to the financial burden, or be "boomerang" children - those who have returned home to live after a divorce or a job loss.
Others are suddenly thrown into the "Sandwich Club" because of a parent's illness or loss of home or financial means. A caregiver's parent may live some distance away, yet the adult child has the responsibility of monitoring his or her welfare from afar.
"I would encourage people to reach out for resources for help," said Weinstock. "[There are] caregiver support groups, and some churches and synagogues have the resources. I would also suggest people contact the senior centers to get help in finding resources."
Scharff said that she, and other members of the generation in between, usually are the ones to establish the stress level in the house. "It's easy to blame it on someone else," she said. "But for better or for worse, my reactions define how it all works, day by day."
In spite of all the juggling that is necessary to make it work, Scharff said it is important to pay attention to the happy moments. "The kids, the parents, the whole situation - won't be around forever," she said. "We get so bogged down, and it would be a shame to lose sight of the fact that this is all about family."
Judy Rattner contributed to this story. Comments about it? MMalloy@liherald.com or (516) 569-4000 ext. 202.
