By: Linda Sapadin
Here are two examples: Using "it" when what you really mean is "I." "It's hot here. Turn down the heat!" "It's freezing in this room." "How could you think it's freezing. It's so warm. What's the matter with you?""Nothing's the matter with me. It must be you. Even our kids say it's cold in this room." Can you picture this argument continuing ad nauseam without any resolution? Modifying the pronouns in the first two sentences, however, can result in a very different outcome. Here's what might transpire if your "it" becomes an "I." "I'm hot here. Turn down the heat!" "I'm freezing in this room." "I know you're always cold. How about if I turn down the heat just two degrees and you put on a sweater? That way, we can both be comfortable.""All right. Let's give it a try." No sense arguing about who is right and who is wrong. People with different body temperatures need to live and work together. When you recognize these differences, you can more easily put your energy into finding a solution. "It" statements tend to shut out another opinion and inhibit a dialogue. There are times, perhaps, that you want to do just that. For instance, let's say you're looking to get your toddler to bed at a reasonable hour. "It's bedtime" is more effective to say than "I want you to go to bed now," which more easily begets a "I don't want to go to bed now."Using "we" when what you really mean is "I." "We need to leave by eight tonight." "No, we don't. Eight-thirty will give us plenty of time." "Absolutely not. We need to be on the road no later than eight." "No. we don't." When you modify just the first two sentences in this scenario, changing the "we" to "I," there's a stronger possibility that people will be more open to resolution through compromise. "I want to leave by eight tonight." "I think eight-thirty will give us plenty of time. I hate being early.""I know, but I hate being late. If we leave at 8:30, I'm going to feel tense.""All right. I hear you. I'll be ready to leave by 8:15, okay?" "Okay, but no later than that." "We" pronouns are fine to use if the two of you are really on the same page. However, if you're not, the use of "we" feels like a manipulative power play, (i.e. I have to think the way you think). Are these little nuances of language important? You bet they are! Though you may be unaware of why you're comfortable with one person, and antsy with another, the pronouns one uses may well be a determining factor.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003
