The value of changing your mind

Some people change their mind at the drop of a hat. Others, however, can be so rigid about this matter that they act as if they don't have the right to change their mind. Once they've given their word, they stick with it, even when they regret what they agreed to. Here's an example: "What's bothering you?" Diane asked. "You look unhappy."Mark opened his mouth. The only sound to come out was a groan. Diane persisted: "You can tell me. What's wrong?" Mark's head was a jumble. He motioned to Diane to leave him alone. She wouldn't. Finally, he spoke. "I told my manager I'd write a report that'll take days. Not only don't I have the time to do it, I don't even know how to do it. And I don't want to do it. It's his job. I don't know why he's dumping it on me." "So why don't you just tell him you can't do it?" Diane was quick with the solutions. "I wish it were that easy. I gave him my word. I agreed to it. I can't go back on my word now.""Why not?" replied Diane. "People change their minds all the time. You've got a right to change your mind." "Irresponsible people change their minds all the time. People who don't give a damn. That's not me. You know how much importance I put on keeping promises and staying the course no matter how hard." "All well and good," replied Diane. "But sometimes you're too nice. Too responsible. Too agreeable. People take advantage of you. It's not the first time you've been asked to do something that another person should be doing. Sure, you agreed to do it. But Tom took you by surprise. Now that you've had time to think about it, you know that what he asked you to do seems unfair to you. You need to discuss this with him. Otherwise, you'll be miserable for the next two weeks. I know you. You'll feel like the perennial victim and the kids and I will have to live with a grouch." Damn, thought Mark. I hate that she's right. I do have a tendency to agree to do things that I later regret. I know I said "yes" just to please Tom. Now I feel manipulated. After thinking about it for a while, Mark realized that the responsible thing to do now was to talk to Tom about the report. He didn't need to be hostile. Or irresponsible. But he did need to address his concerns and explore alternative options. If you, like Mark, feel that you don't have the right to change your mind, think again. Obviously you don't want to be changing your mind every two minutes, but you do have a right to mull over what you've agreed to. Often, with additional time and knowledge, you recognize that your initial response was driven by a desire to please, a momentary impulse or a reflexive answer to a person who was pulling your strings. In these situations, it's often a mature action to change your mind. Let's be grateful that 14-year-old Hassam Abdo, would-be suicide bomber, didn't stick to his original plan. He explained his actions this way: "When the soldiers stopped me, I didn't press the switch. I changed my mind. I didn't want to die anymore." Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who invites you to visit her new Web site, www.psychwisdom.com Copyright © 2004