By:Linda Sapadin
"If only I knew then what I know now." How often I hear that phrase repeated by people who dwell on missed opportunities or have a hard time shaking off regrets.
There are two parts to that phrase that should be understood. People often imagine that they would have done things differently, if only they had known better. But what most people don't take into account is that there are often intense emotional factors that are very influential at the moment but seem less important to people as time goes by. Once anger dissipates, self-righteousness wears thin, or fear diminishes, one sees things in a different light. But alas, what's done is done.
Hence, the more significant statement to ponder is: "What can I learn now that will help me feel less regretful about things in the future?"
Here are three skills to develop that will help you feel more satisfied with your
responses as time goes by.
Learn to negotiate. Don't be frightened by a "no." Often that's just an opening position. Behind every "no" is an idea or a belief or a value that a person is committed to. See if you can understand the person's resistance (why he doesn't want to say "yes" to you). Ask questions. Let your mind wonder about why he might be responding negatively. Once you understand his objections, then search for a viable compromise that respects each of your needs.
Understand that there is a positive and a negative interpretation to almost every situation.
Take for example someone's silence. You say something. The other person doesn't respond. What does his silence mean? It may mean he doesn't care, he's blowing you off, he's stonewalling you. And you may be right. However, it may also be true that he's thinking, he doesn't know how to say what he wants to say, he's fearful or he's got nothing to say. Learn to become more generous in your interpretation of other people's actions. Often there is some self-protective mechanism going on that you may be unaware of.
Question your own assumptions about the way you think. Too often, people think about their assumptions as "the truth" rather than as a preference in how they would like things to be. The more you believe that
your way is the "right" way, the more likely it is that you will frequently complain, whine, feel victimized. Here's an example. Suppose your husband is one of the many husbands who take a hands-off policy to Mother's Day. He does nothing to make your day special, claiming "You're not
my mother!" "What a cad," you think. "I am the mother of your children." Rather than stay stuck in the gripe mode -- reframe your assumptions by putting a new interpretation on the very same picture. Assume that Mother's Day is truly a day for your children to celebrate their relationship with you, without any help from their dad. Pity the poor kid who can't figure out how to show mom he cares unless his father is prompting him to do so. Alter your belief that Mother's Day "should" require a specific response from your husband.
"If only I knew then what I know now," is just another way of saying, "I regret a choice I made." Now that you've lived more and understand more about life, aim to make better decisions. The result will be fewer regrets, fewer "if onlys."
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
