By: Linda Sapadin
As soon as he walked in the house, he went straight to the liquor cabinet. "What's the matter?" asked Beth, aware that her husband was not acting himself."Nothing," he responded. "Just leave me alone.""Did something happen at work today?" Beth prompted."No, everything's okay. I'm just tired. Leave me alone," he replied curtly."You'll feel better if you let your anger out," Beth continued, trying her best to be the helpful wife."I thought I told you to leave me alone," said Arnie, becoming more exasperated by the moment."Arnie, why are you so angry? Why can't you tell me what you're feeling?""Dammit Beth, shut up! You're driving me crazy. Leave me alone already. I wasn't angry until you started getting me angry.""Why are you yelling at me? If something happened at work today, tell me about it, but don't take it out on me," responded Beth, who by this time was feeling pretty angry herself."I'm outta here," said Arnie as he ran upstairs, cursing under his breath.Beth remained in the kitchen, wondering what had just happened. She had been in a good mood, looking forward to a pleasant evening together. Now Arnie had ruined that. He could be such a jerk, she thought.Arnie, now in the shower, was having a hard time calming down. What a pain his wife could be. Why couldn't she just leave him alone like he asked?Beth and Arnie have little appreciation of the contrasting ways they handle their anger. When Beth is stewing, she desperately needs to talk about it. If she doesn't, she gets into a snarling rage pretty quickly. Arnie, in contrast, needs to calm down in solitude before he can open up. If he's pressured to talk about it before he's ready, he becomes infuriated. When Arnie says he wants to be left alone, he truly means it. He views Beth's "help" as intrusive. Beth, however, has her own need to understand what's happening. If she can quell her anxiety and trust that sooner or later he will tell her what transpired, an eruption between the two of them will most likely be avoided. It's important for all of us not to impose our way of responding to a situation onto others whose needs may be quite different from our own.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
