Tough talks

Confronting a delicate matter. Challenging disrespectful behavior. Raising a prickly subject. Criticizing what needs to be criticized. Ending a relationship. Discussing end of life issues.
Because people don't know how to talk about such difficult matters, they often avoid discussing what needs to be addressed. Sometimes people avoid saying positive things, such as telling a loved one how much he means to you. Sometimes people avoid saying negative things, such as telling someone how upset you are. People also avoid dealing with painful things, such as putting off speaking about a serious illness or an impending death. Yet avoidance doesn't solve anything. Indeed, it often makes things worse. If you find that you've been feeling upset about something for awhile, and have not dealt with it directly, it's time to muster up the courage to confront, not avoid. A word of caution: Confront does not mean making an issue out of every little thing, nor does it mean that whatever flows into your head flows out of your mouth. Puleeze! You don't want to become an inconsiderate, supersensitive clod that makes life more difficult for yourself and others. Just like every itch does not have to be scratched, every feeling you have does not have to be addressed. I am referring here to important or chronic issues that need to be confronted.
Here are a few guidelines that might make your tough talk a bit easier. "If you don't know how to start a tough talk, say that. For instance, "I don't know how to begin but I need to tell you something." Or, "I don't want to upset you, yet I have to tell you something that may be painful to you." You will probably falter, flounder, hesitate and stumble. It's all you can do to get the words out, so of course, you won't really do it right. Despite the fact that you may have rehearsed your first line (not a bad idea), you can't rehearse a whole script. Besides, even if you did, your emotions will get in the way anyway. So, if you've got something difficult to say and you know it's time (or past time) to say it, do it. Do it awkwardly, do it even though you're scared, do it through tears, but do it!
Address the issue without going to the worst possible conclusion. Too often we go right to an extreme interpretation (you don't give a damn what I want) or the worst outcome (keep this up and you'll drop dead of a heart attack). Needless to say, this gets the conversation off to a bad start. Beginnings set the stage for what comes next. Thus, begin your tough talk in a kindly manner, as in, "Maybe you didn't do this on purpose, but I need to tell you I was upset when." "Be charitable in your interpretation of the other person's behavior. When we're emotionally upset, we have a tendency to do a good bit of character assassination. If you forget to make a phone call, you were so busy that it slipped your mind. So how come when he forgets, he's a selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless boor? Oh, I know the answer to that. It's because you do it infrequently and he does it "all the time". If you are into the blame game, you will find a reason why you're right and he's wrong. So, if you find yourself thinking, "he's impossible," see if you can alter that to a more charitable interpretation such as, "he's not good at remembering things."
Be reassured that despite the pain that people feel when hearing bad news, most of us are also remarkably resilient. Let's say you have to speak with someone about an awful topic - a fatal illness, a need for a nursing home, an impending divorce. It's frightening, terrifying, awful, horrible; you never thought this would happen. It's sadder than sad. But it is. And it doesn't make it any better if you don't talk about it. Indeed, it generally makes it a lot worse. When something terrible is happening, that's exactly the time you don't want to isolate yourself from others. That doesn't mean that you may not want time alone. You probably do. But you don't want to feel alone; you don't want to feel that talking about it is taboo; you don't want to create a gulf between you and others that can't be breached. As painful as the news may be, know that most people find a way to cope with it over time. Tough talks are an essential part of life. The more you tackle them, the better you get at them. The more you avoid them, the more afraid you become of them. The choice is yours.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2003