Two Sides to Every Story

But, in the midst of a heated argument, is that what you're focusing on? Probably not! In the heat of the moment, the rational part of your brain has probably skipped town, leaving the emotional part in charge. At that moment, the problem seems obvious. The problem is - the other person.Since that person is the problem, naturally you'll direct your energy toward getting him or her to change.Consider these examples:"My daughter's been hanging out with lowlife friends who don't give a damn about school. I keep telling her how important it is to do well academically. She's wasting her time with these kids. But she's stubborn. No matter how many times I tell her, she doesn't get that she's ruining her life. I grounded her, but now she's threatening to run away from home. How can I get her to listen to me?""My husband is controlling. Things have to be done his way. Half the time he doesn't even know what he's talking about, but he fakes it and acts as if he knows it all and I know nothing. I tell him how selfish he is. He doesn't even argue with me anymore. He just quietly does what he wants to do and doesn't care about what I want. How can I get him to listen to me?"When we're on different sides of the fence, we often try to "educate" or "explain" to the other person what's wrong and what needs to change. If that doesn't work, we argue, threaten, withdraw, punish. Sometimes this works. But more often, we become even more frustrated as all this energy goes for naught.So, what's a person to do?Most importantly, you must listen to the other person's side of the story with a focus on learning how the other person views the problem. Listen with an open mind. Listen non-defensively. Listen and don't "yes, but." Much to your surprise, as you listen, you might hear that the other person views you as the cause of the problem.Here's the other side to the examples I just described:"My mom is always on my case. She judges my friends without even knowing them. If she doesn't like the way they look or they're not honor students, she doesn't even give them a chance. She's such a hypocrite! She thinks if she grounds me, I'll abandon my friends. I can't let her control my life. I'd rather run away than let her bully me.""My wife is forever telling me the way things should be. She read an article, talked with her friends, watched Oprah, so that makes her an expert and I'm the dummy who knows nothing. So I just keep quiet and do as I please. I know that drives her crazy. But if I argue my point, she counter argues, wearing me down with her incessant explaining. She thinks I'm controlling but she's the one who can't tolerate anybody doing anything different from the "right" way -- which just happens to be "her" way."Quite a different story!To get past the gridlock, we must be ready to listen respectfully to the other person's story. When we can listen (without pouncing on whatever is said), we gain a broader understanding of what's going on. Having done that, it becomes much, much easier to negotiate a mutually acceptable solution.   Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2006