"Are you suggesting that I should watch what I say when I'm at home? I can't be free to say whatever I think? You've got to be kidding."No, I'm not kidding! Though I don't mean to take it to the extreme, suggesting that you need to monitor your every word, I am telling you that how you communicate matters. A lot!Let's look at an example:She: Something's bothering you. What is it?He: Nothing's bothering me! I just want some peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask?She: There you go again. Not willing to talk to me about anything. What's the matter with you?He: The matter with me? The matter is you. You're always nagging me about something. Can't you ever shut up?She: Don't tell me to shut up. You're abusive and I won't stand for it!Now let's imagine that she starts off with the same remark, but because both parties communicate respectfully, they end up in a better place.She: Something's bothering you. What is it?He: Nothing's bothering me! I just had a stressful day and want to relax. Would you let me be?She: Okay, but I can see there's something bothering you. When you're ready to talk to me about it, I'm here to listen. Remember, I'm your partner in life.He: I know, but sometimes I just like to be quiet. I'm not like you, always wanting to talk about things.She: Yeah, I know you're a quiet kind of guy. It bugs me, but I guess it's better than being a motor mouth kind of guy. But it makes me feel so distant when you won't talk to me. You know you don't have to deal with everything by yourself.He: I know you mean well, but right now, I'm zonked. We can talk later.She: That's fine. But I need you to keep your promise.He: I will.What did this couple do to make their communication work? How did they de-escalate the conflict? Here's what made the difference.
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They acknowledged their different personality styles in an accepting manner.
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They stated their own needs without attacking their partner.
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They did not speak disdainfully about their partner's ways.
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They avoided gridlock by looking for a solution to the conflict.
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They created a temporary ending before one or both of them became enraged.
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At times, they used light words and a light tone of voice.
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They weren't afraid to back down from their original position.
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They didn't have an agenda to make the other wrong and themselves right.Communication counts. Relationships thrive or fail based upon what is said, how it's said and when it's said. And yes, this may mean monitoring what you say - even when you're in the comfort of your own home!Copyright 2006Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping people build competence, enrich relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior.You can contact her at DrSapadin@aol.com or visit her website at www.psychwisdom.com
