'What if' questions need to be answered

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After telling me how much he hates his job, Marco squashed talk about getting a new job by saying, "What if I change jobs, then don't like the new one either?" In Marco's mind, his question was not a question to be answered. It was simply an assertion that he was stuck in a dead-end job and that was that.

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After thinking about taking an adult education computer course, Charlene backed out by saying, "What if I'm the worst one in the class?" In Charlene's mind that would be so horrendous that the option of taking the course melted away. No surprise then that Charlene is still computer illiterate.

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After being initially excited about taking a trip out West, June dropped the whole idea, frightening herself with the question "What if I am the only unmarried person on the tour?" Such a situation was so threatening to her that she never even bothered to ask the travel agent about the composition of the group, nor did she explore any other vacation. This Christmas will be spent at home alone - once more. "What if" questions are not detrimental, in general. It all depends on how they are used. There's a world of difference between asking them rhetorically, (almost like making a statement) and asking them as a legitimate question, one to think about and contemplate the answer to. Here's what I mean:Marco never really thought about and never answered the question about what would happen if he were unhappy with a new job. To the contrary, he is so anxious about change that he cannot even visualize the possibility of something new. This, despite the fact that he comes home complaining every single night about the work he has to do, his long commute and the awful people he works with. In contrast, Nick, tends to answer "what if" questions. It's not that he has a devil-may-care, laid back attitude about life. Rather, Nick's approach is to contemplate the odds, the hazards, the potential downfalls. After he does an initial risk assessment, unless it really seems like a foolish risk, he tries to be optimistic. When he was in a similar predicament to Marco, he did decide to leave a stable job for a more exciting, but risky opportunity. And when he thought about "what if" the new job didn't work out, he reminded himself that he could always look for still another one. When his wife responded, "what if" you can't find another job, he replied, "If I put enough effort into it and make enough contacts, sooner or later, some position will become available."An unanswered "what if" question created cold feet for Charlene. "What if" questions stopped the thinking process for June. They created a feeling of impending doom for Marco.You, of course, will not let that happen. Whatever "what if" questions are resonating in your consciousness, you will be smart enough to answer them. As you do, you will discover that you can make better decisions, increase your risk tolerance and feel more self-assured about the risks you do take. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002