By: Linda Sapadin
It's no secret that parenting is a difficult job. And some kids are particularly tough. Especially the kid who is nasty, arrogant, knows it all, and whose every word reeks with disdain for you and anything you say. If you've got such a kid, you are probably feeling frustrated, discouraged, overwhelmed, angry, miserable and exhausted. Indeed, by the time most parents seek out help on how to deal with their kids, they are generally feeling pretty hopeless.
They have tried everything -- explaining things reasonably, taking away privileges, restricting their children to their rooms, making deals with their kid (that the kid doesn't keep), arguing, yelling, rewarding, bribing, repeating themselves over and over, creating time-outs, giving in, giving up. When nothing works, these parents may end up behaving in a way that makes them feel embarrassed and guilty -- cursing at their kids, yelling obscenities, slapping them, saying awful things that they would never imagine themselves capable of saying.
Now, I wish I had a simple formula that would tell you how to get your kids to listen to you, to stop their incessant whining, nagging, manipulating and fighting, to just once do what they are supposed to do without giving you a hard time. Though I don't have any easy answers, I do have some suggestions. No miracles promised, but these ideas may make your family life somewhat less stressful-- perhaps not immediately, but give it time.
When your kid won't listen to you, try to reach him or her with an indirect message. Instead of saying, "You've got to study more" or "Your grades are terrible," try "Hard work isn't always easy, but sometimes it pays off." Then say nothing. Don't explain your point. Let less be more. An indirect message is often more influential than hours of nagging, yelling and lecturing.
Compliment your child whenever you can-- without making a really big deal about it. Simple sentences, like "I admire the way you handled that," "Good grade, way to go!" and "You've really improved in that area," go a long way. I once heard a parent complain that she could never compliment her son because before she could say something nice, he did something wrong-- again. I have no doubt that this was true (this kid was a handful), but so what? He, more than most kids, probably needed to be appreciated for what he did right.
Don't Always Know the Answer . If you want to encourage responsibility, don't always have the answer for your kid. Instead, communicate that you trust your child's ability to figure it out for herself or have faith that if she screws things up, she can learn from her mistakes. Instead of giving her the answer, try saying things like, "I think you can do it," "It's up to you to figure it out," "It's okay, we can all learn something from our mistakes." And when your answers are not appreciated, ask her for her ideas, i.e. "Do
you have a suggestion about how we can improve our relationship?"
Let Your Child Experience the Natural Consequences of His Actions. Children
learn easily, as we all do, when there are direct repercussions to their actions. If your auto has been towed away from a no parking zone, are you even going to think about parking there again? Of course not! So stop protecting your kids from the natural consequences of their behavior. Your daughter doesn't put her dirty clothes in the hamper, they don't get washed. Your son fails his English Regents, he goes to summer school. Yes, they'll have a tantrum and blame you for everything and tell you it's not fair, but stick to your guns. Short term appeasement usually brings about long-term misery.
Well, those are my thoughts for the day. Hope you can make your life less stressful by implementing a few of these ideas.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
