By: Linda Sapadin
At age 22, Tom is feeling lost and hopeless. To make matters worse, when he compares himself to his father (who is successful and wealthy), he feels terrified that he'll never be able to measure up to what is expected of him. The anxiety that Tom is feeling is new for him. Throughout high school and college, he had managed to avoid many of the worries and cares that kids his age often feel. He was popular, did O.K. academically and always had money in his pocket (thank you, dad). But now since he has been feeling like such a loser, he has begun to distance himself from his family and spend more time with his beer-drinking friends.When I asked Thomas about his father, he replied, "he's the best man I know. He's respected in the community, has made a lot of money and has always taken good care of his family." Thomas spoke as though he knew a great deal about his father and indeed, in one sense, he did. However, he knew very little about his father's earlier life. Nobody told him that his father had been married before, dropped out of college, and had lost two jobs before he began the successful business he now has. And certainly nobody ever mentioned that he had been arrested for drinking and driving when he was in college. Thomas also did not know that his father's father had a drinking problem. He had only a vague memory of his "pop-pop" who passed away when Thomas was 6 years old. What he did know, however, was that his grandfather was "a great guy," "well-liked" and died from "a liver problem."Like Thomas, many people have limited knowledge about their families, only knowing some of the more pleasant "facts" of their lives. Many families do not discuss with their children details of the past, particularly those they would like to forget. The only reason Thomas learned more about his father's early years was because one evening, feeling worried about Thomas, his mother blurted out, "I hope you don't end up with a drinking problem like your father." What Tom heard was shocking. What did she mean? It was then that his mother told him about some of the difficulties his father had faced many years ago. This all came as a surprise to Tom who had always viewed his dad as perfect. Now, however, he didn't know what to think. He became intensely curious about his family and was encouraged by his mother to speak directly to his father about whatever he wanted to know. It took awhile for Tom to muster up the courage to approach his formidable father, but one evening he found himself saying to him, "I don't want any advice or lectures. I'd just like you to tell me more about your life as a kid and as a young man. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?" His father gave him a green light. Thomas started with, "Did you have a drinking problem when you were younger?" When his dad answered him honestly, Tom continued, "Why did you drop out of college? Were your parents disappointed when you did? Who was your first wife? Why did you get divorced?" "What else don't I know about you?"The two men spoke for more than three hours. It was the best conversation they had ever had. Later on Tom said to his father, "Thanks. I learned a lot. This was better than any advice or lecture that you could have given me."
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
