By: Linda Sapadin
Similarly, communication cannot occur unless you have a partner who listens to you and responds to what you are saying.Too many of us have never learned to listen well. Listening well is a learned skill. It is more than just the physical act of hearing what's being said, although these days with all the multitasking in our lives many people do have trouble simply hearing the words. But even if you hear the words, having good listening skills means you understand the nuances behind the words, the context in which the words are spoken, the tone of voice, the silences, and the meaning of the communication itself. All of this takes time, attention and skill.
Not listening is one of the primary complaints that family members have about one another. How often have you heard someone say, "I could say something 10 times and he still doesn't hear me." Or "I don't tell her what I'm thinking because she would just jump down my throat before I even finish my sentence." When Nick and Liz were dating, one of the things they really liked about each other was that they communicated well and listened intently to what their partner was saying. They agreed on a lot of things but even when they disagreed, it was important for them to listen to their differences and to respect how the other felt. They took the time to listen well, to make good eye contact and to nod their head as the other one spoke indicating, "Yes, I'm taking in what you're saying."Now, five years later, you would not believe what has happened to this couple. As soon as Nick starts talking, Liz tunes out. She is easily distracted by extraneous thoughts, worrying about all the things she has to do and mulling over her own problems. And when Liz wants to talk, Nick immediately thinks, "Uh, oh, there she goes again." Her words barely penetrate his consciousness, as his mind races to rebut her remarks or to defend his position. Their communication has deteriorated to the point that they are now listening for
what's wrong with what is being said rather than actually trying to understand what is being said. Liz does this by responding with a quick, "yes, but" and then she's off and running to her own point. Nick does this with a disparaging attitude that tells Liz, "You don't know what you're talking about." Though each one takes turns speaking, neither one of them takes turns listening.Gone are the days of good eye contact and body language that lets the other person know, "I'm listening." Gone are the times when communication takes place without a major distraction in the room (TV, telephone, newspaper, computer or chore to do).So what's a couple to do when they have lost their listening skills? Don't give up! If you're well intentioned, it's never too late to learn the skills of "active listening." You can learn to hear better, interpret better, understand what's significant and what's not. Once you have learned these skills, they can make all the difference in the world in your intimate as well as your professional relationships. That was true for Nick and Liz. Over time, they developed a better appreciation for each other, improved conflict resolution skills and enjoyed greater intimacy. Not a bad tradeoff for a few months of time and attention acquiring knowledge and experience with "active listening."
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
