By: Linda Sapadin
As an administrative assistant, she was accustomed to planning the details of the day and having them work out pretty much the way she outlined them. She had looked forward to using her organizational skills to plan an excellent retirement schedule. Already after the first month, Marie knew that she would have to revise her plan. Her husband's business had lost two major clients which put their income in jeopardy. It was a terrible shock. He was feeling depressed and irritable. Although she was only trying to be helpful, it made things worse when she checked up on what he was doing, or not doing, on a daily basis. Then two weeks later, she tore a ligament on the golf course. A week after that her best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. Three weeks later her car was totaled (not her fault). So much for a carefree retirement. So much for all those carefully designed plans. What now? Marie was beginning to feel jinxed. "Every time I get up, dust myself off and get back in the ring, another blow knocks me back down. I don't know what to do anymore." For those of us, who like Marie, take pride in controlling our destiny and leaving little to chance, life's more onerous surprises are a real bummer. But, but, but, but - this isn't the way life is supposed to work out! Well, yes, but this is the way it's working out. And what exactly are you going to do about it? Fortunately, with a little coaching, Marie began to change her approach. She gave up the role of trying to fix things or make them right. Overwhelmed by all the things that had happened in such a short period of time, she decided to quash her impulse to control events. She began to develop faith that somehow things would work out, in their own way, in their own time frame. It wasn't easy. When her husband spoke with her about how he was handling his business problems, she had to squelch her "Yes, but, why don't you..." and have faith in his judgment. When her friend called her crying, she intuitively knew she had to do more listening, less advice giving. As she gave up trying to make things happen, she became more attuned to what was already happening. As she did so, she found herself thinking about a concept that had always eluded her - "letting go." Previously, she had believed that letting go meant you were weak and passive. Why not take charge? Why not be the master of your fate? But with all that had happened in such a short period of time, she began to see the wisdom of letting go of her urge to control. When life throws you a curve ball, adjust your swing. There is a time to do what needs to be done. And there is a time to let go of the need to control, to plan, to organize and just trust that things will work out however they do - without your being in charge of it all.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
