By Linda Sepadin
I don't ask for much. But when I ask my husband to take care of some reasonable chore around the house, I expect him to do it. When he doesn't, it's so frustrating."She then described a typical scenario:"Hon, could you change the ceiling light bulb in the den? It's been out since last week.""Okay."Two days later she asks again"Okay."Two hours later, he's still in front of the TV, reading the paper or surfing the Web. Her stomach is churning. She's been busy all day doing 101 things and she only asked him to do one simple task. But she tries to keep her cool."When do you plan to change the light bulb?" "I'll get to it. Stop harassing me. I said I'd do it." He's clearly annoyed that she's reminding him."But when?" Now she has a definite edge in her voice."I'll do it when I'll do it. What's your problem? Why does everything have to be done on your time table?"She backs off, leaving him alone. But her stomach is churning. She knows she's on the edge. She tries to calm herself down. If he does the task within the next few minutes, she'll be okay. She'll thank him, but remind him how exhausting it is for her to keep asking him to do a simple task.However, if he still keeps putting it off, she'll explode.Too much pent up anger. Too much disappointment. Too much feeling that she's alone in this relationship. She hates when it happens. She feels like a crazy lady when she's ranting and raving. She's not proud of the way she acts but it feels like she's been pushed to the limit. She feels taken advantage of. Lied to. Helpless. No doubt about it, his passivity triggers her aggression.Though this kind of conflict is not unusual, nevertheless, the repercussions are serious. The immediate fallout is anger, resentment and disappointment - on both sides. The long-term fallout, however, is even worse. Lack of respect, loss of affection and a growing feeling of alienation.Such issues need to be addressed - sooner, rather than later. But, before we look for solutions, we must also see it from the husband's point of view.Be sure to read next week's column when I will present this same type of conflict from the man's vantage point. The title will be: "Stop trying to control me."
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life.Copyright © 2005
