By: Linda Sapadin
This morning, she had promised herself she would begin to organize her material. Yet, since breakfast, there was a buzz in her head that wouldn't stop. The buzz kept getting louder and more insistent. It pushed its way into center stage, settling in as a voice that would not stop taunting her: "
What do you think you're doing? Who do you think you are anyway?" "I know I can do this job," Sandy repeated to herself. "I just wish this voice would shut up so I can concentrate." She put down her pen, got up to get another cup of coffee, and thought: "It's amazing. My 5-year-old daughter has given herself permission to do what she wants since the day she was born. And I am still waiting for that permission - from whom, I don't know - despite the fact that I've got the degree, the expertise and the promotion. Something's wrong with this picture here." That afternoon, as Sandy finally settled in to work, she remembered three voices from childhood.
The first was her mother's: "Get it right the first time. Mistakes show you don't care. There's nothing worse than a child who doesn't care about her work."
The second was her father's: "You're so smart. You should have been born a boy."
The third was an aunt who said to her after a piano recital: "If you keep practicing, you're going to get a lot better." Those messages weren't terrible, thought Sandy. But they weren't great either. They made her think that there was always something that she had to watch out for. She could never just trust herself to do whatever she was doing. She had to be more careful, work harder. And even if she did everything right, she could never be a boy, so wouldn't it all be for naught anyway? Then she began to reflect on the messages she had given to her daughter. These are the three she was most proud of:
"You're curious, have many good ideas and I enjoy listening to you." "Don't be afraid to make a mistake. That's how you learn." "Whatever color you want to paint the moon is fine. You decide." How might my life be different, thought Sandy, if I could throw out the messages I received in my childhood and share the ones I gave to my daughter, with myself? It wouldn't take anything away from my daughter and it would be so good for me - especially in this new job. After all, I, too, am curious. I, too, have many good ideas and I know people enjoy listening to me. Yes, I'll make mistakes. So what? I'll learn from them. And, I shall paint the moon any color I want. That's exactly why they hired me! Guided by these new, self-affirming messages, Sandy was able to organize and present a dynamic program for her peers. In your lifetime, you will hear many different voices that offer you differing advice about how to live life. Whose message will you listen to?
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
