Whose voice will you listen to?

Or your sister announced to the world that you were a ditz. Or your mother's remarks constantly reminded you that you weren't "good enough." Or your father taunted you about your sensitivity and demanded that you toughen up. Although those messages may be decades old, you may still continue to hear those voices echoing in your mind. Not only are these negative messages harmful in and of themselves, but they are also destructive for another reason. The more importance you give to the negative voices, the less likely it is that you will hear the positive ones. For instance, it's likely that for every person who thought you were too sensitive, there were twice as many who appreciated your sensitivity. For every person who thought you could do nothing right, there were probably many more who admired your competence and talents. So the crucial question is: Whose voice will you listen to? I urge you to listen to the voices that help you develop your confidence and build your backbone. Listen to the ones that you respect and the ones that are valid in today's context. For every aphorism, there's another that asserts the opposite. Which one is right? "A Stitch in Time Saves Nine," or "Haste Makes Waste?" "Opposites Attract," or "Birds of a Feather Flock Together?" These sayings, although contradictory, may both be good advice; it all depends on the context. The same holds true for comments that people make about you. For this reason, make sure that the voice you choose to listen to is one that's true at this time, in this context. Furthermore, it should never be the totally critical voice, the one that puts you down or humiliates you. However, it may be one that offers you constructive criticism in a reassuring manner, not a hostile one. It won't suggest, "You're a screw-up - you slur your words and speak so fast that nobody understands what you're saying." Rather, your helpful voice will suggest, "Try not to rush your words. Take your time, calm down and people will understand you better." Eva confided that when she was a young girl, her mother told her not to go to college. She said it was a waste of time for a girl. "At that moment," said Eva, "I knew I had to go." Sometimes even a person's negative voice can help you decide what to do by prompting you not to listen. It may be that you're acting out of defiance, or it may be that you simply realize that the other person's way is not your way. Eva's mom did not believe in higher education for girls. Eva did. Eva listened to her voice within, knowing, without a doubt, that she was making the right decision. If you could choose a voice to accompany you through life, whose would you choose? What would you want this person to say to you? Why would those words be important to you? Whether this person is alive or dead, real or a fantasy, recognize that nothing stops you from having that voice and those words as your constant companion. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice and author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life. She specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. Please visit her Web site at www.psychwisdom.com Copyright © 2004