By: Linda Sapadin
My husband is generally a laid back kind of guy, but something happens to him with football. I can't understand the intensity and love he has for the game. I find myself feeling jealous and resentful about his passion for football; I wish he directed that passion toward me. But I know that if it's a choice between being enthralled by me or the game, I'm never going to win. I can't compete with football. What should I do? Just give up?"As you might imagine, Marcy is not alone in her feelings. To men who love the game, football indeed can be all engrossing. It's action-oriented, strategy-oriented, invigorating, inspiring, adrenalizing. Men can compete, winning and losing, without having to get in shape or put their bodies on the line. They identify with a winning team or remain loyal to a losing team, keeping hope alive for the underdog they have faith in. And, of course, football connects men with each other as they argue about the game, kick around the strategies and discuss the great plays that were made. As an armchair athlete, they can experience great bursts of energy and enthusiasm, which is in contrast to their more controlled, regulated daily lives. Football can also be a way of connecting with the past. They can remember when they were pumped up kids, totally engaged in an activity that tapped all of their energies. Some men, like Marcy's husband, say they can still feel the grace, thrill and physicality of the movement and contact. In short, Marcy is right in saying that her husband is passionate about football and that it appeals to something very deep in his nature.Now anybody who is married or has children (or even has a pet), knows that it is always difficult, if not impossible, to change a person's nature. One needs to respect another's nature and try to work with it, not against it. What this would mean for Marcy is that she accepts her husband's passion for football but also gives him some gentle prodding back into the world of the here and now. Though he gets to indulge his passion, he does not get off the hook for all responsibility and is not given permission to go a-w-o-l for the whole football season. Marcy has a much better chance of getting him actively involved in other activities, if she does not compete with the games that are most important to him. Now, of course, his first response might be, "they're all important to me." But, with a little probing, Marcy can discover which ones he really "must" watch and which ones are less significant.On those football days that are pivotal for testosterone-driven men, Marcy simply must find a way to move from resentment to acceptance. No good can come out of insisting that he miss a game that means everything to him. On those days it is the wise choice for Marcy to pursue her own interests - make a date with a friend; take the kids to a park; go shopping; do anything that would be a treat rather than sit home and stew. I don't know that there are ever easy solutions to difficult problems, but I do know that the worst solution to a problem is to spend time feeling hopeless, embittered and resentful. We all deserve better than that.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
