By: Linda Sapadin
They don't know what else to do. Though not ideal, not having many options is understandable. However, what is really a shame is that when these kids become adults, they often continue to operate in the same way, even when the same conditions no longer exist. For example, it had been a long time since Keith had thought about his father. But on this hot and muggy summer afternoon, a day after his wife had told him how disappointed she was with him, he couldn't get the thoughts about his father out of his head. He remembered the time that his father took him up to the five-foot high diving board and told him to jump. He remembered standing at the edge, looking down, trying to muster up the courage to make the plunge. He remembered trying, really trying, but he just couldn't do it. "Let's go boy," yelled his father from down below. "I don't have all day." Keith remembered that stuck feeling, unable to jump, yet unable to turn around and get off the board. "Just do it, Keith! Damn it! Don't think about it. Just do it. It's no big deal" Keith wished it was no big deal, but for him it was. He became more terrified looking down at the water, hearing his father screaming at him and seeing the other kids waiting for him to go. He could only stand there, paralyzed with fright. When the lifeguard finally rescued him from the diving board and handed him over to his father, his dad began a tirade that seemed to last forever. "What's the matter with you, Keith. You're 10 years old, boy. It doesn't take any skill to jump. For God's sake, when your brother was younger than you, he was diving off the high board. If you're always scared, you'll never amount to anything." His father's rage as well as his own humiliation for failing to do what was expected of him was a major injury to his self-esteem. But it was part of his past. Or so he thought. Until yesterday. Yesterday, at work, he learned that the promotion he had expected to get went to someone else. Naturally, he was disappointed. But, he decided, there wasn't much that he could do about it. The decision had been made. He had to accept it graciously. When he told his wife, he expected her to be disappointed
for him, not
with him. So he was taken by surprise when she started yelling, "You'll never get a promotion if you don't speak up for yourself. You've got to be more aggressive or you'll never amount to anything." Her words hit him like a punch in the gut. In a split second, he was once again a 10-year-old kid, humiliated, embarrassed, paralyzed with fear. He was unable to respond. He could only retreat to his room to lick his wounds. "See, this is what I mean," continued his wife the following morning. "You don't speak up for yourself, even with me. I know I was harsh with you. But you don't have to go dead on me. Answer me back. Explain things to me. Tell me what you plan to do. Tell me how you feel." "I don't know what to tell you. I feel so bad that I disappoint you. I feel so terrible that I'm not living up to your expectations. I want to disappear. I'm so ashamed." "Listen, it's not the end of the world," said his wife. "I am disappointed. And I do wish you would be more of your own advocate at work. And show more self-confidence. You deserved that promotion. Tell them that. Let them know what you expect. Maybe it'll make a difference. If not now, at least for the next time. You don't have to be voiceless like you were with your father. You're a grown man with great skills. Speak up for yourself." Keith didn't want to hear what his wife said but he knew she was right. He was too easily intimidated. He was too quiet. He knew that the other guy got the job not because he was better qualified but because he was in tighter with the bigwigs while Keith was shy with those who had more authority. As kids, we do what we need to do to survive in our family of origin. But as adults, with more understanding, more ability, more resources, we've got more options. We are not fair to ourselves when we act as though our only response to a difficult situation is the one we learned in childhood.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and groups. © Copyright 2002
