Parents are partners, not spectators

As children head back to school, parents naturally want to make sure their kids succeed — good grades, positive relationships with teachers and classmates, and a school year filled with opportunities.

That instinct is understandable. Parents have an important role in their children’s education. They should know what their kids are learning, monitor attendance and academic progress, communicate with teachers and school officials, attend meetings when appropriate, and ask questions when something doesn’t seem right. When a problem arises, parents shouldn’t be afraid to address it.

The key is to address problems with the school rather than automatically trying to solve every problem for the child. Children need opportunities to develop independence, responsibility and confidence. Those qualities develop when they are given the chance to navigate challenges themselves.

No parent wants to see a child struggle with a difficult assignment, receive a disappointing grade, have a disagreement with a friend or feel frustrated by a teacher’s decision. The natural reaction can be to intervene immediately. Send the email. Make the phone call. Explain the situation. Fix the problem.

Sometimes intervention is necessary. Parents should step in when a child is being bullied, facing discrimination, dealing with a serious safety concern or encountering a problem that requires adult assistance.

But a forgotten assignment can be a lesson in organization. A poor grade can be a chance to understand what went wrong and develop a better approach. A disagreement with a classmate can teach a child how to communicate, compromise and resolve conflicts. A difficult interaction with a teacher can teach a student to respectfully advocate for him or herself.

School is about far more than academics. It is also where children learn how to function in the world. They learn to meet deadlines, ask questions, accept constructive criticism, work with others, make decisions and live with the consequences.

They won’t always get it right. And that’s OK. Mistakes aren’t necessarily signs that a child is failing. Often, they are evidence that a child is learning. The goal of parenting is not to eliminate every mistake, but to help children understand them and become better equipped to handle the next challenge.

Teachers and schools have an obvious role in this partnership. Educators should communicate clearly with families, offer appropriate opportunities for parents to be involved and recognize that they know their children in ways teachers cannot. At the same time, schools must give students space to develop their own relationships, voices and responsibilities.

The partnership works best when everyone understands their roles. Parents provide support and guidance. Teachers provide instruction and expertise. And students, increasingly as they grow older, take responsibility for their own education.

That balance may look different in kindergarten than it does in high school. A young child may need considerable parental assistance getting organized, completing routines and understanding expectations. An older student should gradually take more ownership — contacting a teacher, tracking assignments, preparing for a test or addressing a problem before a parent becomes involved.

The ultimate goal is not to have children depend on their parents indefinitely. It is to prepare them to become capable adults who can make decisions, solve problems and recover when things don’t go according to plan.

As a new school year begins, parents should remember that their children are not projects to be perfectly managed. They are young people learning how to become independent. The job is not to make sure students never stumble. It is to make sure they know how to get back up.