Talks with teens

If you initiate a conversation with your adolescent, and he or she responds with silence, mimicking you, rolling her eyes, getting antsy, lashing out, dismissing your concerns, or contemptuously accusing you of being selfish, stupid, weird, a control freak or completely "out of it," it's time for you to make some changes. Me? Why me? Why not my disrespectful teen? Because you are the one reading this article. And you are the one feeling upset. Plus, the only real power you have is over your own response. So, if you are willing to think outside the box, here are a few suggestions that can make a real difference in your relationship with your adolescent. Talking is not the only way to connect with a teenager. Doing an activity together usually leads to a better outcome than talking to your kids about how you want them to behave. Talking to them is usually experienced as "lecturing," and if you want to turn your kid off, that is the quickest way to do so. Conversations that occur during an activity are more likely to create a significant bonding than pseudo conversations that consist of nothing more than "did you do your homework?" or "why are you so sloppy?" It's a general rule of thumb that if you are more invested in someone else's problem than he is in his own problem, your efforts will be in vain. For example: if you're consistently nagging your kid about his college application, yet he's nonchalant or uninvolved, stop! Don't keep imposing your desires and your time schedules on your kid. Oh, I know what you're thinking. If he doesn't get it in on time, he'll be shut out of opportunities. Yes, that may be true. So, let him know that. Even repeat it once or twice for emphasis. Then back off. If you don't, expect to be the one perpetually responsible for your kids' stuff, while he develops the expectation of being perpetually off the hook. Once you avoid the trap of taking responsibility for your teen's obligations, you are free to talk about other things. But what else is there to talk about? Some parents really don't know. If your conversations have been limited to discussing "what he's not doing right," you may not know how to get a conversation going. If this is the case, put the truth out there with some type of statement like, "it seems hard for us to talk about anything. Any ideas of how we might change that?" If you have implemented my first idea - of doing activities together - it will be easier for you to find a topic of conversation. It's a natural to talk about a ball game you watched, a movie you saw together or a book you both read. When you stop assuming responsibility for your kid's obligations, the topic need not become taboo. You can still make a compassionate comment about the problem, such as "Looks like you're having trouble getting that college application done." or "I notice you're putting more effort into organizing your things." A brief observation about what you notice is not the same as being critical or on his case. You may find it hard, however, to be compassionate about things that really irritate you. To tap into your compassionate part, think about a time you found it tough to buckle down to do something that you didn't want to do or didn't know how to do. If you're thinking, "I always get done what needs to be done," think again. We all put off doing something that we don't like to do or that creates anxiety or tension in us. Remember, what's important about talks with teens is to make a real connection that makes a real difference. Don't let the small stuff interfere with this larger goal. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003.